Lacking
by ClosetDegrassiLover
Summary: One-Shot, inspired by Clare's journal in "Start Me Up". Dedicated to those who knows what unrequited love feels like.


**Hey you guys! I'm so sorry. I'm sure you're thinking, 'Jerk! This isn't Swings!', to which I will respond: You're right. It isn't. I'm afraid I have hit a complete road block in the story and I haven't a clue of where to go from here, so it's temporarily suspended.**

**Anyways.**

**After watching "Start Me Up" or whatever it's called, Clare's story line was so sad. If you pause at the part of Clare's little journal thing, it's absolutely heart-breaking. It pretty much sums up any person who has ever fell victim of unrequited love. Anywho, I've been pretty writing-stir crazy lately and decided to write post-Clare that. **

**Just a cute little One-shot, dedicated for anyone who's ever had a bruised heart. **

I found myself lacking.

I've never found myself lacking in the past, and now that it has come upon me, I'm not sure how to deal with it. But it's there before me. Like my life has been written out on a page and I cannot do anything but stare at it. It hurts me like nothing else. I thought my sister leaving me for what seems the rest of my life was the hardest thing I would be presented with, but I cannot name the feelings coursing within me.

I'm being ripped apart. My heart is shredding as though a foreign being is inside my body and it cannot find something and has taken to throwing my heart around like garbage.

Why wasn't I enough? For the first time in my life, I found myself completely honest with another person, letting him see sides of me I've never revealed to anyone. Why wasn't my real self enough? If Clare Edwards was worth anything, my truth, who I am, should've been enough to fill any mini-skirt of Jenna's.

Every day I have to get up. Despite that Degrassi has slowly turned into my personal prison, there is no excuse for being absent. No, I will not succumb to the pain that hurts within me. No, I will not give into the laughs in the hall and the "I knew its" that proclaimed that no guy like KC would _ever_ stick with a girl like me. No, I will not let the beatings of social pressure push me down until I fall into the bottle or under a knife. I am lacking, but not broken.

The source of my lacking, I cannot place. There are moments when I stand in front of the mirror, unable to handle image before me. I take off my glasses, I let down my hair, I may even slip on my only pair of shoes. I fall over. Clare Edwards was not meant to wear high heels.

KC figured out life. He overcame his obstacles and then found the girl who could hold his attention for more than a couple weeks. I never had a chance as soon as he smiled at me, the grin melting the cold barriers within me. It continued to melt every barricade I set out before men until nothing left was me, Clare Edwards.

Then he shattered everything inside of me, my emotions free for the taking.

I stand outside Degrassi now, my foot on the last step before the doors. I knew what is waiting for me as soon as I step inside and I'm not sure if I'm prepared to take it yet. I take another breath, but it does nothing. All I can think about is their lips locked and the taunts that surround me.

"There's the girl who can't please a man!" Derek's petulant and cruel voice fills my ears and I feel my insides crumbling once more. I cannot find the solution to my barriers. I need them, yet I cannot put them up. His disgusting arm wraps around my shoulder and I flinch. "If you want, I can always help you out in that area."

The seductive tone makes me close my eyes. I am lacking, and this is my punishment.

By the time I open my eyes, he's gone and I wonder if the entire encounter was nothing but a memory. Opening the door, I step inside of Degrassi and it feels like every set of eyes turn my way and proceed to begin my humiliation.

Unrequited love. _"Making it momentary as a sound"._ Perhaps Shakespeare had it right in that statement that it was fleeting. But only those who were lacking. Was Juliet lacking? Was Katherine? Was Roslind?

I see him walking down the hall and a battle wages within me. Every melting, butterfly-inducing feeling squirms within me, combined with every horrible shatter of the heart. Now is the time I prepare myself more than any other, praying to God he doesn't see me. That I am as invisible as I am lacking.

"Hey Clare."

I manage to place a smile on face before any indication of the war could be revealed. "Hi, KC."

Those were the only words exchanged between us that day, and the only words we would speak for many days to come, I'd imagine. There would be that distance between us until I could find whatever it was I missed and use it to bridge the parting between us.

**Author's Note: One-Shot, kinda serious. I've had a lot on my mind and her little sub-plot really got to me.**


End file.
